TAYLOR SWIFT is replaced by KATY PERRY as captain of the WHITE BITCHUS.
OHH. That's what happened.
Because let's be honest, what is scarier than either of them?
Answer: their even whiter fan bases.
THE SWIFTIES form a small militia and revolt the decision to overturn the organization and reinstate TAYLOR TWIFT to her former position, which she has made clear; she does not want.
Her fans, the swifties, however, do not seem to actually care genuinely about Taylor, her opinions, or outlook on things and not remarkably or surprisingly at all, just kind of have their own agenda and previously instilled beliefs—
The Katy Perry fandom, though slightly more aged and less willing to participate in an all out war, begin to stage a defensive coup in order to protect their chosen leader.
I liked Miley best as captain.
NOBODY WANTS THIS JOB,
I likes It.
Fuck this.
No.
Are you kidding me.
No.
Look, I'm sorry! Nobody else wants to do it.
Gee, I wonder why!
How about lady Gaga?
She's not eligible!
(My mom helped write this joke.)
JIMMY KIMMEL
[an escalating crescendo]
AssaaaaagggggggggGggggghhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHHH
!!!!!!
I wanna run through marina del ray
I want a house in the Palisades
But I
Knew that 5 years ago
I knew that five years ago
I want a shack out in Malibu
Just to surf the ocean blū
But I
Knew that five years ago
I knew that five years ago
Before it all burned
I hope we all learned our lessons
Surf
God has a sense of humor
But I was the butt of the joke
I want a Condo in Santa Monica
Invite my friends over for Barbie volleyball
Throw my whole world in the fire pit
But I knew that five years ago
I knew that five years ago
When you realize
The world is your instrument
But it still hasn't earned you a cent
You're still in the hole
Warning back what you spent
By the microinscremwnts
The city people are you as excrement
But you just laugh and you sample them
Play them like instruments back
Perhaps flattery begs them to listen
Suddenly you're visible
Museam world—
Exhibitions
Entertainers
Comedians
Mice and men
Interesting remienxe
Should I even be in this language
Or should I make it more intimate
With melodies?
I hit play on a classic
And my peloton becomes the office
I'm suddenly at work, God
Petulance for relevance spanning generations
Thank you!
Still it takes enough to get it in to you
As out of you
Can't help t but agree to that
Eyeliner!
I like it thick around the freckles faces
And light ashy eyelashes
Over moonlike eyes
You know
I like it
Long hair!
Headliner!
Why am I inside you?
Better yet—
Why have I died?
Eyeliner, headliner
I like it thick around moonlight eyes
I like it
Old timer, headliner—
I like it thick around eyes like Zion
Eyeliner,
I like it
Ashes
You're the worst;
There are circle k's and 7/11s
How was my run on Broadway?
Who's the pope now?
I hope you choke now
There are subway central's
And sauces and really hard bosses to fight
But I don't want to
I'm in south central
And I'm still with you
From always to oblivion
I've been moving for at least an hour
But I have no power here
Drop a house on me
In the hills, if you will
And if the winds change,
There's still New York
What a page turner
I live at Rockefeller Plaza
There's an apartment above my office
There's a notebook
For every love I've ever known
In the oak
There's a something caliber gun in my slumber
I clutch with the crutches I took from the hospitals
Can't hop the turnsltyle now
Can't hop the turnstyle now
Hahaha
Who art thou,
Art monster
Who are you now that I care too much to notice
The problem was
The doves only flew up or a moment before landing on my shoulder
That was awkward
They were supposed to fly away
TV HOST
HEY!!!! HEY!!!! HEYYYYYYYY!
But which host is it?
All of them.
All of us are running for our lives
All of us are running after Carson, and Paar
All of us are stars,
But on polaroids not often captured
Gone and then away into disaster
That's the effect of the Cannon
Canon cameras?
James Canon?!
Laugh harder cause you have to!
Laugh stronger cause the studio is frozen,
And you want to go home now!
It wasn't as fun as you throught
And the set is much smaller in real life
Now clap and hold for applause
Big smiles
Big smiles
Extra points if you run miles before you show up-
Now that's a shiny after thought;
Not your average robot
Or prototypical tourist!
No! A nonconformist and
Kimmel can't sing for shit,
So he can just hum this verse.
(Sorry, I peaked—
No homo)
Now, I dissect Holiday,
I was sure I inspired the Broadway show
But who doesn't inspire a rock opera
I conspire to conspire, unpire, emporer
I studies Agamemnon
I wasn't really sure but the frog in my throat said
Go on, go on—
So I just cried and sucked in my stomach harder
I don't want a—
SETH MEYERS
I don't want a tuna sandwhich!
Just take the tuna sandwhich.
Yeah, buddy
!
I DONT WANT A TUNA FUCKING SANDWHICH
DO I LOOK LIKE I EAT TUNA TO YOU?
Um.
Woah, I sense hostility.
We can't see you—
And we don't know who you are, anyway.
Apparently “someone we know”
Tsh.
Psh.
ITS HOT IN THIS BOX.
Ooh, hotbox.
That sounds like a plan.
Dispensary delivery?
The move.
YO,
Dissection numero dos;
I think I know how to make those sounds
I think I have that reverb
I need herb
Or probably a new location
With no probes
It's only temporary
The peloton office
But I want a home
Me and my family aren't from here
Oh, look, more purple
— we just show up to rock
And then go somewhere farther
Forgive me father for I have—
No.
What?
No. No.
What— why?
Just— no. Not you. Not today.
But—I have sinned!
Of course you have!
But father—
No.
What—?
Keep it to yourself.
But.
Excuse me.
—-
{Enter the Mtiverse}
{Enter The Multiverse}
[The Festival Project.™]
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