*sneezes*
W-WEGMANS!
Gazuntite.
I'm not gonna lie, if I lived closer to this place I'd be there all the time.
Whole Foods
Trader Joe's
Wegmans.
Honestly? Ranked?
Trader Joe's
Wegmans
Wegmans.
lol.
Whole Foods is a necessary evil.
{Enter The Multiverse}
No, I want the half
Can't go all the way
Enough is enough
And a hand is a hand
And a handout is ransom,
Spare me the note
Spare me the selfish suicide concepts
Spare me the alter
The coaxial
The collar
The caller—
Whatever you call me
Spare me the mantras
Stop talking.
Long throat violence,
Oh,
I onkybhope to know you
(Or I don't)
I only hope to notice m
Oh long Johnson
Quick sermons and a few soft passwords
A couple ardvsrks on a long top showman
A couple bad barks from the dog
And work for the foreman
Who are you after
(Not god)
Have been forgiven?
Is fhat a question.
I marked it as such
And still j walked up
The lock in the bathtub did honors
Did honors
Did run today
Who are you for
Not the office
Not the John
Not the forerunner
Oe the forward
Who are you,
god talker?
Who are you
Was often the question asked
And you want to do all you want
Home alone
The devil runs
From behind her nothing soft
Anymore
Awkward
And then unearthed
I saw you were watched, stalking
Also
Pulled back on my reigns, the horse
Does bit the bite down
And then some soaked offer
Was
Half you are, where
Wear the volume down
Wear your art hard
Or suffer, Gaga!
GAGA WHERE ARE YOU?
LADY GAGA
I'M ON A HORSE
target
GAGA!
LADY GAGA
I'M ON A HORSE, I SAID.
BUT WHERE?!
NEAR ENOUGH THET YOU CAN HEAR ME,
LIKE, OBVIOUSLY, BUT FAR ENOUGH AWAY THAT YOU CAN'T SEE ME ON A HORSE.
ARE YOU COMING?!
NEGATIVE.
WELL— WHY NOT?!
THE HORSE WONT MOVE!
JUMP OFF THEN.
IMPOSSIBLE.
WHY IS JUMPING OFF A HORSE IMPOSSIBLE
WHEN YOURE LADY GAGA
ITS BECAUSE I'M LADY GAGA THAT THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR MULTIPLE REASONS
WHAT— JUMP OFF OF THE—
NEGATIVE. THERE ARE MULTIPLE FACTORS CONTRIBUTING TO THIS IMPOSSIBILITY.
WHY ARE THEY YELLING.
Omg shut up
2 bit horse jumper
Target
Target
Stalker
Stalker
Obi wan kanobi!
Sheeeeeeer forces!
What is this?
Bad cheerleaders.
WHY ARE WE YELLING?!
Oh. We're fighting.
Oh, that makes sense,
What kind of fighting.
Sword— unh— FIGHTING.
Oh, okay.
Why is lady Gaga on a horse?!
Cause she's just like that sometimes.
*shrugs, but on a horse— obviously dressed elaborately enough that yes, jumping off of the horse would be practically
LADY GAGA
No, completely.
—Completely impossible.
I wanna watch you eat spicy hot wings.
In a sweater.
But I left handed magic to
Can't- that
Cancelled
I hope it was cashmere
Or
Calvin Klein
I'll retract,
Meditate and then
Redact that
Maybe
Fantasize
Glamourize that for a lifetime
Pull the knife out of my back,
And then sample it.
I wanna watch you eat hotwings.
That's—-
What I want.
GAGA. PLEASE!
LADY GAGA
I'm sorry— he's not moving.
THIS IS URGENT.
LADY GAGA
I know it's urgent. My lack of yelling does not negate that it isn't, but.
BUT WHAT?
*yawns*
I'm getting sleepy.
[LADY GAGA falls asleep atop the horse; only then does the horse begin to move, however— it appears as though GAGA is now completely unconscious.
But those shoes.
Egad.
Bro.
lol. Why is this?
I'm… my writers blocks are not fun, practical, or progressive. They're just.
[LADY GAGA fights and defeats an entire battle completely unconscious atop a horse.]
Isn't technically the horse… fighting.
No, and I'll explain to you why.
Omgz
*spoiler*
[lady Gaga IS the horse]
Why.
What the fuck.
Fuck these shapeshifters.
Fuck everything right now. What the fuck did I just watch.
WHAT DID I JUST SEEEEEEEEEE
Dedede…fleetleum, fleetleflum…
“Fleedleflum?”
Ahem!?
Dude, you are a villain.
WHAT, BECAUSE I SAID “FLEETLEFLUM”
*fleedleflum
AHEM!
I SETH MEYERS is revealed as the villain…
Again.
WHAT!
WHY!
I THOUGHT I WAS THE VILLAIN.
you said you didn't want it!
THEN I ADJUSTED.
Well, too late.
WHAT.
Nice.
Hehe.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!
I WENT METHOD.
A-for effort, I guess?
WHATEVER A-FOR-EFFORT.
I JUST COMMITTED A LOT OF EVIL SHIT
For what
FOR THEATRICAL AND ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.
Well.
“WELL?”
Like what.
Like—
Tax Fraud.
Ahem.
Nice.
[beat]
Seth, you got the part.
Yesssss!
Booyah.
Maybe you can take some method lessons and pointers from your friend here—
Salt of the earth!
— Mr. Evil tax fraud man.
RYAN REYNOLDS
*deflates*
Later.
Where are you going?
I'm going to do Pilates.
Because I'm rich.
(Everyone just kind of nods in agreement.)
L E G E N D S
STEPHEN COLBERT runs at full speed down the street towards the house at which his formerly youthful self “recently” disappeared during a thunderstorm.
Oh look. It's little Stevie!
You recognize me?!
OF COURSE I DO! You're the big hotshot anchorman on TV, but I remember…
I don't have—time—
Suddenly, he sees it— the radio tower which apparently transported him into this, a distant future, but also a remarkably odd parallel of reality which seems to have been sprung from his own timeline.
Where is this going?
We'll see.
Apparently,
I'm reanimated;
Certain parts just don't work,
I'm factory reset
And radiated
Aggrandized to carry out this task
And then cease to be
A zombie, if you will
A corpse responding to light energy inside of me
So when I leave,
I'm not sleeping
I'm decomposing
Deteriorating
I stay hydrated to keep my eyes involved
In the light almost as if
The illusion is existence—
However,
I know better
It's simply a simulation
I mutated against my better judgement
Just for this focus
Aspirations as if
Aggressions could be achiviments
At any rate
A talking head
Who are you?
Done for now.
Who are you!
Done for now.
Who are you?
A far cry
Dust in the wind,
And I'm sure so for aure
That the places I've been
Are more often television location sequences
Than not.
Aha, who are you?
The plot.
Then who are I?
A handsome damsel.
Hark.
But not to wake, I form again
To dream of you
And then
Cease to be,
My honor,
So that may I call
To wish a gasp upon a cantered breath,
I scream to wake
And then you, a glisten,
Never to count time
I waking,
Them as sheep,
And she who calls I—
There, the canter,
And there I wake to know I,
Call I,
My bare and lay truth
So that
There waking, calls I now
The scream of shadow
Mercy, yonder
But not waiting,
I cherish
To bark.
….
….
Wt—
Now I could see how my energy was moving; I had to write as much as I could before my media update.
Intentional brainwash.
Suddenly, it all made me so nervous.
Programming.
Then again,
It didn't matter, really, in the end.
6 hours.
There was nothing more daunting
Than the approaching courier for Whole Foods market
And Instacart simultaneously because it meant
Somehow,
That I had an album coming out.
Eagle eye,
And to say the brown soul
May go extinct
Eagle eye
Give me a bite of your Adam's Apple
I want to taste you
I want to know fortune
Through the glory of love
In the wonder of your arms
I want to know nothing but
Love in your eyes
And in your mind,
My heart
MAYA RUDOLPH
I feel weird.
FRED … ARMISEN
This is getting intense.
That's probably it.
AMY POEH—LER
No.
AMY PH—
No.
OF COURSE IT IS.
ITS SUPPOSED TO BE.
why are you yelling?
IM NOT YELLING.
I'M SPEAKING IN CAPITAL LETTERS.
TINA FEY
…there's a difference!
RACHEL
WITH A ‘T'?
Maybe
DRATCH
YEAH there IS.
Okay, where are we going with this?
Shh. Not yet.
I AM PRINCESS SHAMALAMADINGDONG.
WHY?
It's sketch comedy. Does it HAVE to have motive?
You're right— but it at least has to have a plot.
Meanwhile…
SETH MEYERS'S wand has been stolen.
Hey.
Yes?
There was..a…
???
There was a, like a— like a —
??
There was like, a number two pencil here.
…there still is.
No, like a very— like, a specific—
There's— a bunch of them here.
No—
Just like always.
No, it's.
[Blank stares]
N—nevermind.
Wait—
What's up.
1, 2, 3, 4– who am I forgetting?
ARSENIO HALL
Not yet, Arsenio;
We're still on strike force
5!
Where's Jimmy Kimmel!
Meanwhile, in Jimmy Kimmel's lair.
JIMMY KIMMEL
(MWAHAHA
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH)
Uh.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay. For Shits and giggles—
Oma goash.
Waw.
Yah. I knuh.
Just waw.
Uhh…
Idk. The weird SNL sketches all apparently have their own time—
AANG
APPA, YIP YIP!
APPA
FUCK OFF—
WOAH.
OKAY.
Yeah, not everything should be live action.
Seconded.
— lines…. Ahem.
Waw.
Srsly.
However, this live action magic school bus.
[SCHOOL BUS CARAPULTING TOWADS FIREY DEMISE WITH NO POSSIBLE RESOLVE IN SIGHT].
*doom*
Wild.
Why.
Yoooooo.
The world needed that.
Anyway.
JIMMY KIMMEL
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
GUILLERMO
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJAJA
JIMMY KIMMEL
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
GUELLERMO
Wait—
—is that his name?
Maybe. I might just be racist.
Well, it's not Carlos.
U
MEANWHILE, ALSO, ON WISTERIA LANE
GABBI
CARLOS! GET BACK HERE!
Damn. How are these people still at it?
Apparently wer're in TV WORLD.
Ahem. It's TV LAND.
No, it's
{Enter The Multiverse}
AHEM.
{Enter The Multiverse}
[The Festival Project.™]
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Tears of a Clown - Coming Soon