**CUT TO:**
INT. RACHEL DRATCH'S OFFICE - DAY
RACHEL DRATCH (50s, comedic actress, eating a bagel) sits at her desk. The door bursts open and SCIENTIST 1 rushes in.
SCIENTIST 1
Hey—uh—
RACHEL DRATCH
Rachel looks up, annoyed.
RACHEL DRATCH
What, dammit; what?!
I just sat down with my bagel!
SCIENTIST 1
I know but— I need your help—
interpreting something?
RACHEL DRATCH
What is it? Gibberish?
SCIENTIST 1
Not really, it's—
RACHEL DRATCH
I'm an expert in Gibberish—
SCIENTIST 1
I know; but—
RACHEL DRATCH
Classical and neo-modern.
SCIENTIST 1
Yeah, it's not that.
RACHEL DRATCH
What is it.
SCIENTIST 1
Alien, I think.
RACHEL DRATCH
Which species.
SCIENTIST 1
Species.
RACHEL DRATCH
WHICH— ugh— give me that!
Rachel snatches a piece of paper from Scientist 1 and produces a MONOCLE, placing it on her eye.
SCIENTIST 1
Since when did you get a monocle?
RACHEL DRATCH
since when we changed insurance companies
which supplies said ‘monocologists' and
covers such expenses sans-coh-pay.
SCIENTIST 1
You mean copay?
RACHEL DRATCH
Shut up.
Hm. Looks to be Unrealian in orgim
but I could be mistaking this
dialect.
SCIENTIST 1
What.
RACHEL DRATCH
Could also possibly be AAHHMEK.
SCIENTIST 1
Ahmek?
RACHEL DRATCH
Ano, AAAAH— nevermind. Is this an
actual apostrophe?
SCIENTIST 1
Beg your pardon.
RACHEL DRATCH
The apostrophe— is it human derived,
or the human pseudo translation
replacement for a
afahmblunsenphOuallentprprh?
SCIENTIST 1
Say again.
RACHEL DRATCH
Is it an actual apostrophe, or is
the mark mean to insinuate the
commonly used extraterrestrial
character afahmblunsenphOuallentprprh?
SCIENTIST 1
…I don't know.
RACHEL DRATCH
WELL, then—I'm afraid I can't help
you until you forgive that out—
SCIENTIST 1
What.
RACHEL DRATCH
Depending on what the mark is, those
could be two veerrrrry different
things.
SCIENTIST 1
Would you just,
RACHEL DRATCH
Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like
to presume the consumption of my
RAISINBagel.
SCIENTIST 1
You know what.
Scientist 1 stares at Rachel, exasperated.
SCIENTIST 1
-_-
-_-
-_- …fine.
Scientist 1 snatches the paper and walks away angrily. Rachel starts to schmear her bagel, mumbling to herself.
RACHEL DRATCH
—wants me to translate, but doesn't
know the difference between an
apostrophe, and a
afahmblunsenphOuallentprprh. Please!
**CUT TO BLACK.**
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